My whole life is a lie.

A Lesson Learned: Fake People

Some people try to get next to you just to use you. They don't care about the word "friend" mean. For people like them, you're just someone who give some advantages, that's all. They don't give a damn shit about how you feel, how much you appreciate the friendship. No, they're not, they're that shallow.


Some people being so nice just to reach their goal, not because they care about you. Hey they don't even see you as a person. Fake people. When you're happy and start to care more about those people as your friend, they only think that the relationship is just more likely a mutualism symbiosis. Yeah it's normal but... such a primitive way of thinking.


Well, be useful then but in a clever way. When those fake people do that thing, it's clear enough that they're lack of something. Still, it's a good thing to help other people, isn't it? But please remember you must keep in balance, too much of something is never been good. You need to love yourself, fake people don't deserve your effort. In my opinion, being too kind is not a good thing either.


You are the one who really know about yourself, the one who can care about yourself. Nobody really cares but your own self. Yeah, it's a cruel world. So, if you feel it's enough, please remember that you're absolutely allowed to dump those fake people. In life, it is necessary to remove some shady people. Don't feel sorry when they don't even see you as a real person with a heart in it. You deserve more than that.


If they have their own reason to use you, then you got your own to dump them.


Keep on moving and be grateful. p(>o<)q

It's nobody's fault that no one understands. Yes, I'm dumb.

But this time, i feel so tired.

I'm tired of trying.

Inside, i'm just a little girl who wants to be hugged.

But no one's there, not even trying.

Yes, I know it's nobody's fault.

So, I made my decision, I stopped.

Later on... I see everything becomes a mess.

That mess, yes that mess, I see that it blames me for everything that happened.

I don't even the right to stop, to calm myself down, to heal this wounded heart, do I?

Why do people not even trying to make everything keep in its place?

If they only knew, i've just got a frozen 100% dark chocolate as a gift.

It's hard to bite. It really is, if the only knew.

But, no one even tries.

Well, it's ok, it's nobody's fault.

Bisu

Bisu

Tak berarti tak dapat mendengar

Bisu

Tak berarti tak dapat melihat

Bisu

Tak berarti bodoh

Bisu

Tak berarti mati rasa

Coba ingatlah itu...

Itu pun jika kamu sudi.

Tuhan saya hidup!

Tuhan saya adalah guru saya
dia selalu punya cara yang cerdik untuk mengajari saya.
Tuhan saya adalah orangtua saya
dia memberi harta yang takkan pernah habis, pikiran bijaksana dan hati yang mengerti.
Tuhan saya adalah sahabat saya
dia satu-satunya yang selalu bersama saya.

Tuhan belum mati
día hidup di dalam hidup saya.

kenapa baru sekarang?

A: kenapa baru sekarang? aduh maaf ya, saya tau sih kamu juga pasti juga udah mempertanyakan itu, tapi pengen ngomong aja.
B: iya bener banget, gapapa kok. saya juga udah memperkirakan pertanyaan itu pasti keluar.

***

hanya ada 2 saat yang paling tepat untuk memulai perubahan, yaitu 3 bulan yang lalu atau sekarang. 3 bulan yang lalu sudah berlalu begitu saja, maka pilihan yang ada tinggal sekarang, bukan? (nn, 2011)

***

mengapa harus takut bikin kesalahan? kalo salah ya tinggal dibenerin bukan? (wibowo, 2008)

June 6th :)

Hello Big Pa Theo up there! how are you there? today is June 6th, it used to be your birthday down here. Lange nicht gesehen :P. do you remember me?

Whenever i eat bounty
Whenever i see pony horse
Whenever i think about germany
it will always remind me of you. your beautiful smile.

I feel like i have a beautiful spirit today, is it you?

:')

abnormal

jika memang setiap orang punya batas
aku tidak tahu jelas di mana batasku
tapi yang jelas aku merasa ini sudah dekat
entah apakah masih ada yang bisa membawaku menjauh

titik tengah terasa semakin jauh
entah aku menuju pinggir sebelah mana
bumi telanlah aku, aku tidak mau ke sana
jika memang aku punya batas

solo: under my umbrella.

under my umbrella
raindrops. pedestrian. solo

i didn't sing
i didn't capture
i didn't dancing
there's only smile of mine
enjoying this solitary moment.

"let it go."

"let it be."

***

3 short words each. 2 simple sentences. 1 hard-to-do-thing.

terjebak.

terlalu banyak hal yang melintas
terlalu banyak kata untuk dikatakan
terlalu banyak rasa yang dirasa
tak satu pun dapat keluar
terucap. dinyatakan. diekspresikan.
tidak, tidak satu pun.

berat tanpa batu di pundak
bisu dengan suara teramat lantang
sesak di tengah oksigen yang melimpah
apakah itu semua hanya fantasi?
fantasi akan penderitaan
entahlah...
namun yang jelas, ia terjebak.

i need to move

it feels that this place doesn't fit me anymore. like a snail, it needs a new shell when it grows up. need more space to breathe and grow up. the tension is getting higher, the pressure is pressing me more and more. i need to move and fly away, seriously.

in the dark side of the moon.

in the dark side of the moon, loving you is to feel all your sorrow.
in the shadow, staring at you is to see the loneliness in your eyes.

night oh night, it's still young.
night oh night, it's getting deeper.

you might not see,
may the stars know it...

high thanatos: random thoughts.

i don't believe in 100%.
it's more about equilibrium, instead of consistency.

do not ask for understanding, nobody knows you at all.
do not blame, your life, your own responsibility.

life is a great murderer, everyone is suffering.
you're not alone, everyone is a masochist.

god is the mighty director.
human are great actors and actresses.

no title

God, i hate that! zzz i won't do anything. you know me, i won't do anything!!! i take this burden all alone, and i'm always ready for that, but please don't hurt me that way. you know me God, no one knows better than You. eergh zzz emang gue mau ngapain sih!! ga bakal ngapain2 kalii gue juga udah ribet sendiri sama urursan gue aaaargh, ga bakal ngapa2in gueeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. i got no intention, that kind of intention. noooo you're wrong! i hate that really hate that. :(

.i do think.
it's because i care.


.i do care.
maybe it's something beyond the reason why.

dear mr. moon,

you're gorgeous tonight! i envy you. i'm such a mess down here, just by myself, as always :). oh why leave so soon? stay with me. my eyes are still wide open and i've got some stories, the untold ones. it'd be so lonesome without you here. oh please forget to fall down, please stay a little longer. i need you.

best wishes,

the little girl down here.

a moment i treasure

there's a time when all you wanted is just to sit next to the ones you love.
you may do nothing but you feel so alive more than ever.
it's a moment I treasure, more than anything in this life.
what a God's priceless gift.

Gravity

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're on to me, on to me, and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.

Tuhan, saya tidak pergi ke gereja hari ini. saya ingin melukis.

Waktu telah menunjukkan saatnya untuk bersiap-siap dan berangkat ke gereja. Saya pun sudah rapi dan siap berangkat, namun tiba-tiba hasrat untuk melukis muncul begitu kuat. Entahlah. Saya terdiam sejenak. "Aah.. Tuhan.. rasanya aku sungguh ingin melukis. Aku ijin ga ke gereja ya... Nanti malam kita berbincang-bincang mengenai hal ini, ok?" dan selanjutnya saya mengambil kuas, buku gambar dan cat warna saya yang telah lama tak tersentuh.

.pantai: langit, laut dan darat.

.lebam.